Raptor News Network



The Raptor News Network is a news network in DmC: Devil May Cry that reports on various topics relating to Limbo City as well as the world at large.

Politics - Fighting the Bullet
Politics: New Gun Law Poses Threat to Homeland Masculinity

At last week’s legislative meeting, a group of cowardly liberals proposed a bill that could potentially ban civilians from owning high-powered firearms. If the new gun law were approved, gun enthusiasts would no longer be allowed to legally acquire military-grade assault rifles, submachine guns, and other essential hunting weapons. Right-minded gun supporters are outraged by the law and encourage legislators to stop these unhinged socialists from taking away our freedom.

Bob Barbas, the undisputed “King of Media,” spoke out against the gun ban, stating, “Have the liberals gone insane? We have dangerous criminals on the loose! If we can’t take down fleeing suspects with a high-caliber machine gun, then we might as well surrender to the terrorists now!” The terrorists Barbas is referring to are part of an unidentified hostile organization responsible for recent attacks, including two incidents that were captured on CCTV cameras. If you see any suspects who may be connected to this dangerous organization, be sure to contact your local authorities.

Health - Natural Bone Killers
Health: Organic Beverages Linked to Erectile Dysfunction

A new study on organic beverages proves their healthy claims are much more flaccid than you think. For years, the manufacturers of all-natural products have been promoting the benefits of drinking organic beverages at work, school, and at the gym. Unfortunately, these so-called benefits aren’t helping consumers rise to the occasion when it comes to the bedroom.

Leading nutrition experts at Probe Health Group conducted the study on a sample group of males, age 18–30. After weeks of testing, the team confirmed that organic beverages were causing the impotence problem.

Despite the deflating news about organic beverages, the study revealed one uplifting discovery. Researchers determined the popular non-organic energy drink known as Virility actually improves males’ sexual performance, especially if consumed on a daily basis. The world’s top urologist, Dr. Michael Hawk, encourages health drink loyalists to examine the hard facts and rethink their diet. The news has already caused Virility’s sales to go up, and there’s no doubt they will continue to rise.

Economy - Lay Off, Layoffs!
Economy: Unemployment Rate Proves Most People Still Have Jobs

The Lynch Institute has just released the nation’s latest unemployment numbers, and they confirm that over 90% of adults are currently employed. While many have nothing better to do than whine tirelessly about job cuts and an ever-expanding unemployment line, the numbers clearly verify that those deadbeats without a job are very much in the vile minority.

Lynch Institute CEO, Noel Divem, explained, “Esteemed financial firms like City Lynch aren’t bleeding money and barely staying afloat. They’re just trimming corporate fat.” Mr. Divem assures us that jobs exist for those willing to dedicate their lives to pleasing their boss.

So if you find yourself sitting at home in your own filth instead of contributing to society, follow Mr. Divem’s advice. “Maybe you don’t take a 20-minute lunch break every day and complain about your boss to your friends. Try proving you’re not an utter waste of resources instead.”

Culture - Dirty Little Bores
Culture: Educational Programming Leading Cause of Chronic Boredom

Planning to watch a documentary on your local public broadcasting network? Put those plans on hold and watch Bob Barbas instead! A reputable new study has found that the slow pace, lack of attractive stars, and incessant photography panning of these so-called educational programs lull viewers into a dangerous, irreversible boredom. On the other hand, shows with rapid cuts, intense dialogue, and vibrant colors were proven to promote healthy brain activity and actually help stimulate the growth of new brain cells.

A spokesperson for the group that conducted the study warns against tuning in to public networks. “They get these homely looking, monotonous pseudo-intellectuals to put viewers in a boredom trance, and then they brainwash them with ridiculous ideas. It’s inhumane, and they should be hanged for what they’re doing.”

We at Raptor News Network are proud of our unbiased coverage and strongly encourage you to tune in to us. Bob Barbas is a true patriot, and his expert political insight not only fills you in on everything you need to know, but also helps your brain get smarter.

Members

 * Bob Barbas - At this point in time, the only known employee is Bob Barbas, who seems to have a vendetta towards Dante, calling him a terrorist and a sexual deviant. He seems to be a devot Christian and feels that he is doing "God's work" by insulting Dante.

Background
Raptor News Network appears to be a parody of the real life American news channel Fox News Network. Ironically, Fox has been infamous for criticizing video games such as EA's Bulletstorm and Rock Star Games' Grand Theft Auto series.

Trivia

 * Raptor News Network is also a viral site to promote DmC. The other one is a sports drink called Virility.